


I still believe, it's you and me 'till the end of time

by smugdensmitchell



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, ballum - Freeform, ben x callum, callum x ben, i just love these boys with my whole heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:40:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22266514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smugdensmitchell/pseuds/smugdensmitchell
Summary: “Now’s your chance,” Ben chokes out, his eyes peppered with unshed tears as they hold Callum’s gaze, willingly. “Prove it.”A little continuation fic from last night'sheartbreakingfinal scene (14/01/20), but with a different ending.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 21
Kudos: 165





	I still believe, it's you and me 'till the end of time

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!! 
> 
> I put out the idea of this oneshot on twitter, and people seemed to receive it very well, so...here we go!! 
> 
> I hope we're all holding up after last night's episode, I am: certainly not. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

“Now’s your chance,” Ben chokes out, his eyes peppered with unshed tears as they hold Callum’s gaze, willingly. “Prove it.” 

There’s a deafening silence that follows, and the isolated tear rolling down Callum’s cheek is the only sense of feeling that he can grasp right now. Everything surrounding them seems to have dissipated into thin air, with a persistent ache in Callum’s chest telling him there are invisible walls closing in on them both, and this _is_ his chance.

His chance to leave. 

His chance to walk out of this _godforsaken_ house and make no mistake of ever looking back. Because that’s what he _should_ do, right? Ben has just told him that he has a man’s blood on his hands. A real person with a real heartbeat. A real family and real friends, real dreams and ambitions for a future that Ben participated in taking away. 

That is _more_ than enough reason for Callum to cut him off. 

So, why is there an unrelenting feeling in his heart that’s telling him to stay? 

He swallows down as much emotion as possible, fearful to look Ben in the eye for much longer. There’s so much effort from Callum, so much _will_ in trying to see a killer in those eyes. Trying to see some kind of sociopath, some kind of harrowing narrative that cannot be rectified. 

But, instead? Instead Callum just sees Ben. **His** Ben. Fatigued, sea-blue eyes searching for understanding and reassurance, searching for the person that they know they can be, and asking for help to get that person back. 

They’re pushing Callum, telling him to leave, but _god only knows_ that all the while they’re begging him to stay. 

And, Callum wants to, he’s desperate to. Believe him, he is. But, in his mere 28 years of life, he’d grown to learn that what a person wants isn’t always necessarily what a person _needs,_ and he needs space. Space and time to process everything, space and time to arrange his thoughts.

Space and time to stop himself from forgiving irrevocable sin within an instant, simply because it was executed by someone he loves. 

And he does. He loves Ben _so much_ that it takes the breath out of him. 

That’s why he has to go. 

Standing abruptly, Callum tries not to pay too much attention to the devastation on Ben’s face as he registers the action, realising that Callum is leaving, after all. His pace is quick as he strives to make a swift exit, unable to let himself contemplate the way Ben will think he was right all along. 

That Callum **was** too good for him. That _of course_ Callum was going to walk away, sooner or later. It was only a matter of time. 

Except it wasn’t. 

It was a matter of brutal determination and cold, level-headed thinking. It was turning against his own heart, his own gut instinct, and the repression of every emotion that Callum had ever been capable of feeling. 

_That_ is what it took for him to walk away. 

And, even then, it all begins to falter the minute that he reaches the back door. With an unsteady hand, shaking from the adrenaline of it all, Callum pushes the door handle downwards, momentarily soothed by the cool, winter air against the heat of the tears on his cheeks. 

But, for all the wind is obnoxious and bold, blowing the door wide open for him, it isn’t quite loud enough to drown out the sudden, convulsive sobs coming from the living room. Ben is quite literally _gasping_ for air, Callum can hear it clearly, his lungs obviously depriving him of the space to breathe. And, hearing that? It makes Callum feel like he can no longer breathe, either. 

A gust of wind dances past the doorway, still not vocal enough to distract the older man’s ears from the distraught sounds being made a few feet away, and Callum presses his teeth into his trembling lower lip. He really doesn’t want to cry anymore, he doesn’t want to _give in_ anymore. But, leaving Ben alone in this state?

Callum isn’t sure he has it in him. 

Standing there for what feels like a lifetime, he battles with his heart, body and soul, unable to decide upon the best thing to do. The best thing for Ben. The best thing for _himself._

But, for all he can hear grief and desperation, heartache and despair; Callum hears something else. Amidst unrestrained sobs and breathless gasps, he hears immense and devastating loneliness. And, yes, maybe he’d consider leaving Ben reeling or angry, perhaps he’d walk away from a jealous spat or even a painful argument. But Callum would never, he could never, leave Ben feeling so scarily _alone._

He slams the door shut, turning imminently on his heels and striding back through to the living room. There’s nothing careful about it, nothing cautious or patient, just a desperation to throw himself relentlessly back into the fire before his head battles his heart and convinces him otherwise.

Ben doesn’t notice Callum as he returns, or if he does, he certainly doesn’t show it. His entire body is doubled over, head encased by his hands and shoulders shaking vigorously as he cries. 

Callum, wasting no time with futile explanations or gentle embraces, kneels before Ben on the couch, placing his own trembling hands on the other man’s wrists as he tries to speak. “Ben,” he says promptly, barely recognising the tremor in his voice. “Ben, listen to me, okay? Y-you’re gonna be alright, it’s-it’s gonna be alright.” 

The other man won’t even bring his eyes to meet Callum’s, squeezing them shut as his head bows to the floor, almost as though his mind is pained with too much thought. Too much anguish. He continues to gasp for breath, panicking Callum with his lack of ability to stop shaking, grieving, crying. 

“Please Ben,” Callum pleads, bringing a hand up to his face and placing the palm of it against his cheek. “Y-you need to calm down, alright? Wh-whatever it is, we can sort it, yeah?” he pushes further, lowering his face to Ben’s sunken level and resting their foreheads together. “Ben, _listen_ to me.” 

The other man’s chin lifts slightly, his swollen eyes finally locking with Callum’s. “W-what have I done, Callum?” He asks estranged, the tears continually cascading down his face. “What have I done?” 

“I-I-it don’t matter, alright?” Callum says back, his own vision wet and blurred again as the tears fall for Ben. For himself. For the back he feels he’s turning on the man who has lost his life. And yet, he repeats again, “it don’t matter.” 

Ben shakes his head, wiping his nose with the back of his forearm carelessly. “Y-you,” he halts, inhaling erratically to catch another breath, “you need to go.” 

Bringing both hands up to the side of Ben’s neck, Callum holds his head close, their noses almost touching as though he’s taking Ben’s tears in as his own. “I ain’t goin’ nowhere, alright?” He pulls his right hand away from Ben’s neck and up to his chin, his fingertips brushing lightly against Ben’s skin as he does so. “Ben, look at me,” he says, applying a little force to bring the other man’s line of sight to meet his own. “I ain’t goin’ nowhere.” 

And, when Callum’s eyes level with Ben’s again, it hits him like a freight train, reckless and fast-moving, eliminating everything and everyone but them. He can feel his own heart pounding in his chest, and the tears continue to spill over onto his cheeks as he whispers, “because I love you, remember?” 

Ben starts to shake his head, but it’s more obvious than ever that his defences are crumbling. He opens his mouth to speak, but Callum doesn’t give him the chance, silently refusing to hear another attempt at Ben pushing him away. 

Instead, Callum presses his lips gently against Ben’s face; first on the tip of his nose, and then to his forehead, holding them there long enough to accentuate his message, the skin beneath his lips tense and unforgiving. 

He pulls back, pressing one final, messy kiss to Ben’s mouth. Ben barely reciprocates it, his lips still trembling and his mind struggling to register a thing, but Callum doesn’t care. 

Because, of course, none of this makes sense. He doesn’t really know what Ben has done, he doesn’t really know how bad things have been in his absence, and he has no idea where they’re going to go from here. 

But, what Callum does know, is that it would make even _less_ sense to walk away from someone that he loves this much. 

And, as he whispers against Ben’s lips, he realises that walking away was never really an option. 

“No matter what.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so very much for reading. 
> 
> I'm **@/scofieldsballum** on twitter, and **smugdensmitchell** on tumblr if you wanna say hi!! :) 
> 
> Love you all to teeny, tiny little pieces!!!


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